WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump continues to push his support for what he’s calling the “Big Beautiful Bill”—a sweeping piece of legislation designed to cut Medicaid, eliminate food assistance, and deliver long-overdue “economic relief” to America’s least fed and most financially endangered class: billionaires.
“It’s a tremendous bill. Beautiful, really. It cuts out all the waste—Medicaid, SNAP, children with asthma, you know, the unnecessary stuff—and gives back to the people who truly need it: billionaires who are down to their last yacht,” Trump said while sipping from a golden chalice labeled “middle class.”
According to the bill summary released by the Committee for American Simplicity™, key provisions include:
- Cutting Medicaid spending by 80%
- Replacing food stamps with inspirational quotes from Steve Mnuchin
- Creating the “Trickle Down Incentive Zone,” where billionaires get a tax rebate every time they think about hiring someone
- Allowing hedge funds to declare themselves as endangered species for conservation tax credits
“We’re Saving the Economy by Making It Smaller,” Trump Explains While Standing on a Pile of Unpaid Hospital Bills
“Some people say this hurts the poor,” Trump added. “But I say, what if the poor are just trying not to be rich hard enough?”
He then held up a pie chart labeled “The American Dream,” which consisted entirely of one slice marked “Private Jet Fuel.”
Healthcare for the Rich, Gatorade for Everyone Else
Under the “Big Beautiful Bill,” those earning over $10 million a year will receive:
- Unlimited concierge healthcare
- A tax credit for each private island they maintain
- Access to new offshore accounts in Puerto Rico, now legally considered international waters
Meanwhile, Americans under the poverty line will be eligible for a voucher for one complimentary bottle of sports drink “every third fiscal year, flavored if budget allows.”
Public Response Mixed, Depending on Net Worth
Polls show 93% of Americans oppose the bill, while 7%—consisting exclusively of Mar-a-Lago members—strongly support it.
Senator Marjorie Taylor Greene praised the bill as “a bold return to the Founders’ vision of government: rich white men doing rich white things with no interference from pesky children or diabetics.”
This is satire. All quotes, facts, and reasoning have been legally divorced from reality.