PALM BEACH, FL — In a hastily convened press conference held from beneath a golden chandelier in Mar-a-Lago’s third-most sacred golf simulator room, former President Donald J. Trump declared himself “the most persecuted man since Jesus Christ, but with significantly better polling in key swing states.”
Wearing a red tie long enough to double as a papal sash, Trump stood before a backdrop of 17 American flags and a framed cover of Forbes from 1987.
“Look, Jesus had it rough, absolutely rough,” said Trump, flanked by his legal team and a cardboard cutout of Melania. “Nails. Crosses. Bad dinner with Judas—terrible guy. But I’ve had CNN say I’m unfit to lead. I’ve had MSNBC use unflattering lighting. That’s real persecution.”
Trump went on to read select passages from what he described as the “Trump Translation” of the Bible, which includes verses such as “Blessed are the dealmakers” and “Thou shalt not get indicted more than four times, unless you’re doing really great.”
When asked about the 91 criminal charges he currently faces across various jurisdictions, Trump responded, “That’s just deep state bookkeeping. They indicted Jesus too. They indicted Socrates. They even indicted Nelson Mandela. I’m basically the Mount Rushmore of injustice.”
The crowd of 17 hand-picked Truth Social influencers cheered, several holding signs that read “WWTD: What Would Trump Do?” and “Make Golgotha Great Again.”
Legal scholars noted that equating oneself with the central figure of Christianity could complicate Trump’s upcoming federal trial in Georgia. “Generally, courts frown upon defendants suggesting divine exemption,” said constitutional attorney Sheila Newsom. “Unless of course it’s Florida, in which case the bar is much lower—both literally and figuratively.”
Trump Polling “Better Than Jesus” Among GOP Primary Voters
According to a poll conducted by Real America Polling Inc.—a subsidiary of MyPillow—Trump now leads all Republican contenders for the 2028 election, with 62% saying they would vote for him “even if crucified and buried in a cave,” and 19% claiming they would roll away the stone themselves.
In a follow-up question, 78% of Republican respondents said that if Jesus returned today and criticized Trump, they would “politely ask Him to go back where He came from.”
Evangelical leaders were quick to respond. “We love Jesus. Great guy. But let’s be honest, He never ran a casino,” said Pastor Dwight Freedom, founder of the First Megachurch of Fiscal Redemption. “Trump has a cross to bear—roughly six feet tall, made of courtroom transcripts.”
The Trump Campaign Responds
Reached for comment, a Trump campaign spokesperson issued the following statement:
“President Trump is the chosen one, as chosen by approximately 34% of Iowa caucus-goers. The fake news media is once again crucifying him with facts and context. Sad!”
As of press time, Trump was reportedly working on a new reality show pitch titled The Last Supper: Celebrity Edition, in which indicted former officials compete for a full pardon and a MAGA-branded chalice.
This article is entirely satirical and for entertainment purposes only. No part of it should be interpreted as factual reporting, even if it sounds alarmingly plausible.