WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a recent rally held in front of a fireworks warehouse shaped like the Constitution, former President Donald Trump took a firm stance on LGBTQ+ rights: he’s for them, against them, and doesn’t understand them—but is “loved tremendously” by the community regardless.
“The gays. Beautiful people. Some of the best hair I’ve ever seen. Did you know they vote for me more than any other straight white billionaire under multiple indictments? Incredible support,” Trump told the crowd, moments before promising to dismantle every executive protection for LGBTQ+ Americans established since 1969.
Despite pushing for policies that would allow states to ban same-sex marriage, roll back nondiscrimination protections, and declare Pride Month “excessive,” Trump insists the community has “never felt more seen—specifically by Homeland Security.”
“No One Loves Me More Than the LGBTQs,” Says Man Who Just Defunded Their Legal Protections
Trump’s new initiative, Operation Rainbow Reversal, proposes redirecting federal LGBTQ+ outreach funds to “important freedom programs” like Confederate monument upkeep and voucher programs for heterosexual prayer schools.
“I’ve done more for the gays than Abraham Lincoln,” Trump declared. “I let Elton John perform at one of my casinos once. Didn’t even charge him a resort fee.”
When asked about criticism from LGBTQ+ advocacy groups, Trump waved it off:
“That’s fake LGBTQ. I only listen to the real ones—the ones from Palm Beach who wear MAGA Speedos and know all the words to ‘Y.M.C.A.’”
Pride Month Renamed ‘Straight Heritage Fiscal Quarter’
In a leaked draft of the GOP platform obtained from a Cheesecake Factory napkin, proposed changes include rebranding June as “Traditional American Family Fiscal Awareness Month” and redefining “inclusivity” as “non-binding tolerance between straight men at Applebee’s.”
Gay Trump Supporter Allegedly Spotted
Right-wing outlets widely circulated an image of a lone Pride attendee holding a “Gays for Trump” sign. The man, later identified as a straight intern named Kyle from Turning Point USA, claimed he was “just trying to meet chicks.”
This article is satire, fictionalized for comedic and critical purposes